Trigger Warning: Suicide.
578 Days.
Since I felt the cold air surround me.
I wanted to fall into it's embrace.
The Red Line pulled in to Hollywood/Highland Station.
I had given it my all.
Waking up every day...
Working as hard as I could.
And in that one meeting, I felt like it was all for nothing.
My endless efforts.
My striving.
My commitment to doing the right thing.
The choices I made to live the life I wanted to live.
Felt inconsequential.
The loneliness had become the only common denominator.
As I heard the loud horn and watched as the tracks shook.
I knew that this could be my end...
If only I was strong enough to take the step.
How I had deceived myself... into perceiving my inability to make sense of unfair world as strength.
In a moment, it would all be over.
My life could never be better.
It isn't possible for it to get better.
I will always be alone.
I won't ever find my wife.
I won't ever have the kids I've dreamt of since I was 13 years old.
Some of those things haven't changed.
The holidays tend to bring out the worst in me.
The darkness comes for me.
And I stood firm this year.
Thankful for every second of those 578 days.
The opportunity to love.
The blessing to teach.
The gift to steward.
The hope to keep going even when it felt impossible.
Your story doesn't have to end here.
I have no idea how you are feeling...
But you are not alone.
More people feel this draw to end their life today than ever before.
You are not a statistic.
You are not unworthy.
You are beautifully and wonderfully made.
Every moment of every single one of those 578 days...
Brings me more joy than I will ever hope to expound upon.
When the time is right, I will see my God face to face.
Hopeful to be welcomed and crowned having finished the race and kept the faith even when it felt impossible.
Yours faithfully,
Qavah.
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