EXPECTATIONS.
I didn't expect this.
I didn't anticipate this.
This isn't what anyone had on their bingo cards for my story.
Against all odds... here I am.
We tend to put this huge weight in expectations.
That we have for others and moreover (in secret) for ourselves.
We lose. We win. We try. We fail. We fall.
But no matter what, we expect.
Whether that expectation is hopeful or steeped in doom, depends... from person to person and from circumstance to circumstance.
I've spent so much of my life expecting one specific thing. One want. One need. One desire.
To find the love of my life.
That I choose to ignore the gifts I receive every moment of every day.
We expect so much..
And most of it is unfounded.
A lot of it is locked in to what we expect or believe we deserve.
We are owed absolutely nothing in this life.
Every privilege we receive is a gift... no matter what you choose to tell yourself.
I sit here... at a table... in a home... writing on my computer.
4 privileges that were once upon a time, expectations.
My obsessions drove me straight to rock bottom.
These obsessions grounded in expectation.
Why do we expect so much? Why do we expect so little?
Are we lying to ourselves or do we actually believe that our expectations carry more weight and importance than the grand plan of this multiverse.
This isn't a critique of you or me.
Everybody does this.
We expect. We hope. We dream.
But is it founded in selfish desire often masked by phony altruism but in the hope of how things should be and the surrender to the reality of how things are.
I wish things were different.
I know they are right this way.
In his time and his plan.
We can expect but the why might be the hardest question we ask ourselves.
Yours faithfully,
Sam Qavah John.
Commentaires